No! No Dierks! No! I mean we all kind of saw this coming from Dierks Bentley. On pretty much every album, Dierks releases at least on bad single that caters to mainstream and radio appeal to satisfy his label. On his last album Riser, it was “Drunk on a Plane” (which actually wasn’t too bad). On his Home album, it was “5-1-5-0” (I never want to hear the word “po-po” again). The previous album before this was Up On The Ridge, a bluegrass concept album that was easily his best work and didn’t appeal to mainstream whatsoever. But before that was Feel The Fire and it’s stupid single was “Sideways.” I think you get the picture. Everyone knows the deal with Dierks Bentley and the way he approaches singles and albums. The stupid single is usually in no way indicative of the quality of his albums, which are always solid.
We better hope so because if Dierks’ newest single “Somewhere On A Beach” would be indicative of the album, then we’re in for something terrible. All of those other singles Bentley has released to appeal to mainstream country were at least somewhat palatable and didn’t make you want to turn the radio dial when you heard them. This new single? It’s easily the worst I’ve ever heard from Dierks Bentley. The title is a dead giveaway in terms of the quality of song you’re going to get here. Mainstream country music has trained me to panic when I see the word “beach” in a song title. And my panic was right once again.
The song begins with a textured, funky guitar play that is quite intriguing at first. It’s actually quite enjoyable in the first half of the song, but as it goes along I find myself more irritated at it. The sound gets louder and more drowned out and allows for no nuance to the listeners’ ears. At the end of the day it’s not much different from your standard Brantley Gilbert song that passes off overproduced rock music as country. It’s passable, but not enjoyable. This isn’t the worst part of the song. That goes hands down to the lyrics. They’re just plain awful in every way. I couldn’t believe my ears that Dierks would be willing to record such shallow, vapid and cliché lyrics. Just look at the chorus:
I’m somewhere on a beach, sippin’ something strong
Got a new girl, she got it goin’ on
We drink all day and party all night
I’m way too gone to have you on my mind
She got a body and she’s naughty
And she got me like you ain’t never got me
I’m gettin’ sun, gettin’ some and I ain’t slept in a week
Yeah, I’m somewhere on a beach
Yuck! This is stuff straight out of a Florida Georgia Line album with some Kenny Chesney themes sprinkled in. You have the beach, the shortening of words, referring to women as girls, the overdone party lyrics and worst of all the objectification of a woman’s looks. The song is about a man who has broken up with his woman and is now “bouncing back” by going to the beach, partying and hooking up with his new girl. And based off the smugness and sexualization of the lyrics, I don’t blame the ex for ditching this guy. This is just Luke Bryan’s “Home Alone Tonight,” only at the beach instead of the club. That’s the only difference between “Home Alone Tonight” and “Somewhere On A Beach” really.
Another strong indication this song wasn’t going to be good is the fact that it took five writers to pen this song. It’s amazing that it took only five adults to write this Dylan-esque song, huh? The five geniuses behind this song are Michael Taylor, Jaron Boyer, Alex Palmer, Dave Kuncio and Josh Mirenda. None of these names I recognize, but I’m sure they’ve written many other musical classics in their time.
This song is sure to be a hit, as mainstream country fans and pop fans eat songs like this right up. As for fans of Dierks Bentley, I’ve seen a mixed reaction to this song. I think many are just ready to hear the album like the rest of us. The name of the album is Black and Bentley promises it to be about exploring relationships. Based on his track record, it should be good. However, “Somewhere On A Beach” will most likely be the biggest dud on it and the song you will most want to avoid. This song is easily on the level of some of the worst songs I’ve reviewed in recent years during the bro country and metro country eras. Just because this is Dierks Bentley, doesn’t mean he gets a pass. “Somewhere On A Beach” is absolutely terrible. If this song was food, it would be McDonalds. It appeals to the lowest common denominator of taste and it sells like crazy. But it has no nutritional value.