(Warning: The following review/rant contains strong language and is intended for mature audiences, which I guess eliminates fans of Florida Georgia Line. Anyway you’ve been warned the language is graphic in this post.)
You thought you could fool everybody? You sneaky bastards thought if you put one decent song out it would keep the critics quiet. That only worked for a couple of weeks. Once I heard your other new singles, Florida Georgia Line I knew you were back to the same old shit. After listening to Anything Goes my thoughts are confirmed. There’s been a lot of bad music released this year, especially here in recent weeks. But the music wasn’t bad enough to make me angry. It was just boring, repetitive and forgettable. This Florida Georgia Line album is all of these things too, but the lyrics in some of these songs are so damn bad that it made me question why I even listen to country music. But then I look at my music library and reminded myself that Florida Georgia Line isn’t country music. It’s just straight up garbage in any genre. Prepare yourself for this review. It gets bumpy.
The Best Song on the Album
Normally it says best songs above, but there’s only good song on this entire album and it’s “Dirt.” This song is true saving grace from this album being a complete waste of time. And really after hearing “Dirt” so many times on the radio it doesn’t sound as good as I originally thought. If you missed my review of that single back in July, click here. I’m not going to waste any more words on it because it’s truly the huge anomaly of this album and really Florida Georgia Line’s career. I wouldn’t be surprised if they never made a good song again.
The Worst Songs on the Album
The rest of the album is basically a pile of crap, so let’s just take it from the top. “Anything Goes” immediately kicks off with auto-tuned hick-hop. My first thought is what did I get myself into? Did you miss the immature and stupid lyrics from these assholes? Well you’re in luck. Everything about this trashy, pop country song is bad. Hubbard’s vocals are flat as usual and the auto-tune is layered on thick. The lyrics are even worse in “Sun Daze.” One of the opening lyrics to this song: “Rock a little bit of hip hop and Haggard and Jagger.” Are you kidding me? The duo goes full asshat douchebag in this song from the production to the lyrics. And then of course the infamous line that has been discussed among serious country music critics for weeks: “Sit you up on the kitchen sink and stick a pink umbrella in your drink.” I think you know what the sexual innuendo is here. I had to stop after hearing this line. This is a bonafide candidate for worst country song of the year.
The next song is called “Good Good.” I’m not joking. What a creative title! It’s just another damn party, feel good song. Shania Twain is name-dropped, which I’m sure will please traditional country fans. You will lose a few IQ points after listening to this ridiculous song. It’s as smart as the “creative” title. “Smile” is about….all who am I kidding. It’s the same old shit from Florida Georgia Line on this song. They’re drinking and trying to screw some girl. That is all they do. If actual songwriters got a hold of this song it could’ve been a sentimental song. Instead it’s just another overproduced pile of shit. The writers of this song are Chris DeStefano, Ashley Gorley and the king of shit mountain himself Dallas Davidson. Surprisingly this is the only appearance by Davidson in the album.
Other than “Dirt” every single song literally has the same theme up to this point. “Sippin’ On Fire” is about drinking Fireball, but that’s name-dropped in every Florida Georgia Line song. At this point it’s just getting boring. I guess this song is supposed to be a slower song, but to me it’s just another bad song. In the first minute of “Smoke” every single bro country trope is mentioned. I guess to let you know right off the bat that this song also sucks. I just don’t see how anyone can like these songs. They all sound the same, with just rearranged lyrics. If you can stomach the bro country tropes this song isn’t the worst. But then again the bar hasn’t exactly been set high with this duo. The song is about remembering a past girlfriend and actually could’ve been a great song if they just took away all of the horrible, cliché lyrics. “Bumpin’ The Night” is a hooking up, drinking song where I can say pretty much the same thing about it as I just did with “Smoke.”
I can’t prepare you for the next song “Angel.” Part of the chorus for this song is one of the cheesiest pickup lines of all-time. You know the one I’m talking about. This is actually verbatim: “Did it hurt when you fell from the sky?” Hahahahaha! Holy shit! Once you stop laughing from the amount of cheesiness in the chorus the duo actually attempts to be serious in this song. You can’t be taken serious though after uttering such a cliché line. The bro country tropes are light. But the instrumentation is way overproduced. Another song if re-written that could’ve been good. I’m thankful they at least provided this moment of comic relief.
“Confession” actually isn’t a party song. Color me shocked! It’s about reflecting on your past. It tries to be sentimental, but it just doesn’t feel genuine to me. Then again after hearing “Angel” I don’t think I can ever take this duo seriously ever again. It was hard enough before that song. “Like You Ain’t Even Gone” proves Tyler Hubbard should never do spoken word. He isn’t talented enough. And yet here he is doing it on this song. You should only do spoken word if you’re talented and I have an album review coming up where the artist does the art form justice. I don’t even know what this song is about and I don’t care. I just never want to hear it again.
The album mercifully comes to an end with “Every Night,” which reminds of Maroon 5. That should tell you all you need to know about this song. There is one line I would like to point out though. Hubbard sings at one point that “the neighbors probably hate me.” No Tyler that would be everyone who has any kind of respect for decency and not committing crimes against humanity with such horrendous music. It just isn’t traditional country fans, but anyone who hates horrible music.
An Avicii ad played on Spotify as I listened to this album and it sounded just as country as Florida Georgia Line’s songs on Anything Goes. I had to point this out because of how true it is and sad the current situation is in mainstream country music. Maybe some artists are actually striving to make better music, but some clearly want to hold onto bro country with a death grip. And I can’t blame them because it has made a lot of people rich. I have to think at some point though that even the mainstream crowd will get tired of this shit. Everyday I wake up and hope that America has finally given up on Florida Georgia Line and they give them the Nickelback treatment because Florida Georgia Line is truly the Nickelback of country music. Ironically Joey Moi, who produces Nickelback’s albums, also produces Florida Georgia Line’s albums. I told myself “Dirt” was going to prevent this album from receiving a zero, but after listening to it I’ve changed my mind. When you have 11 other songs that are so horrible it tends to cover up the one bright spot on this album. Florida Georgia Line’s Anything Goes deserves to be the first ever album on Country Perspective to receive a rating of zero.